I Don’t Really Know…

…what to title this post or even what to write because there seems to be quite a bit swirling around inside me right now. So, I will share a few entries from Henri Nouwen’s book, The Inner Voice of Love that have been helpful to me and I hope they are a blessing to you.

Work Around Your Abyss

There is a deep hole in your being, like an abyss. You will never succeed in filling that hole, because your needs are inexhaustible. You have to work around it so that gradually the abyss closes.

Since the hole is so enormous and your anguish so deep, you will always be tempted to flee from it. There are two extremes to avoid: being completely absorbed in our pain and being distracted by so many things that you stay far away from the wound you want to heal.

Cling to the Promise

Do not tell everyone your story. You will only end up feeling more rejected. People cannot give you what you long for in your heart. The more you expect from people’s response to your experience of abandonment, the more you will feel exposed to ridicule.

You have to close yourself off to the outside world so you can enter your own heart and the heart of God through your pain. God will send you the people with whom you can share your anguish, who can lead you closer to the true source of love.

God is faithful to God’s promises. Before you die, you will find the acceptance and the love you crave. It will not come the way you expect. It will not follow your needs and wishes. But it will fill your heart and satisfy your deepest desire. There is nothing to hold on to but this promise. Everything else has been taken away from you. Cling to that naked promise in faith. Your faith will heal you.

Stop Being a Pleaser

You have to let your father and father figures go. You must stop seeing yourself through their eyes and trying to make them proud of you.

For as long as you can remember, you have been a pleaser, depending on others to give you an identity. You need not look at that only in a negative way. You wanted to give your heart to others, and you did quickly and easily. But now you are being asked to let go of all of these self-made props and trust that God is enough for you. You must stop being a pleaser and reclaim your identity as a free self.

Henri Nouwen wrote this during a time in his life that can only be described as a “dark night of the soul.” This book contains his personal journal entries from that time. I highly recommend it to you as a devotional aid in moving through all of the junk we carry with us through this life to the heart of God. These three entries have been very helpful to me lately. Hope they are for you, too!

Gratitude is Key!

I am reading more about gratitude and want to share these insights with you. Job 1: 10 says, “If we take happiness from God’s hand, must we not also take sorrow too?” Henri Nouwen says this about the subject in his book, Bread for the Journey:

“To be grateful for the good things that happen in our lives is easy, but to be grateful for all of our lives–the good as well as the bad, the moments of joy as well as the moments of sorrow,  the successes as well as the failures, the rewards as well as the rejections–that requires hard spiritual work. Still, we are only grateful people when we can say thank you to all that has brought us to the present moment. As long as we keep dividing our lives between events and people we would like to remember and those that we would rather forget, we cannot claim the fullness of our beings as a gift of God to be grateful for. Let’s not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see it in the guiding hand of a  loving God.”

This necessary and timely reminder has prompted me to make another attempt at a discipline that I was introduced to in seminary. Dr. Burrell Dinkins suggested that we take time each day to literally count our blessings and enumerate at least three things from the previous day that we are thankful for. He said that he and his wife do this every day on their daily walk with each other and it has changed their relationship with each other and God. I have tried this with good success a couple of times in the past, but have allowed it to be crowded out by other things when life got busy or stressful. Time to make another attempt. I am redownloading the Gratitude Journal app on my iPhone. You can also try doing this with a note pad, blank journal or by buying a Gratitude Journal from Amazon.com or any major book store. Any one out there want to join me on this journey of gratefulness? Let me know and we can encourage each other along the way.

Needing to Trust Ruthlessly

I am physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. Over the past 5 weeks our family has been through a tremendous ordeal. It actually started more than 17 years ago when our second child, Aaron, was born. On the first night of his life the nurse taking care of him found a heart murmur caused by a hole in between the ventricles of his heart. Through the years we were told not to worry about it, that things would be OK over time and get better. That was the case until last fall when he had some problems with a pounding heart and blacked out in class. We took him to the doctor and they found that he has developed an irregular heart rhythm. We had the first attempt at a heart ablation on December 23rd. The second was 5 weeks ago, followed by the third attempt two weeks later(three weeks ago). Since all three attempts at ablating his heart to correct the rhythm were unsuccessful, they placed him in the hospital two weeks ago to start him on a new medicine to regulate the heart. While he was in the hospital, they told us that they discovered a leak in his Aortic valve that was caused by the murmur. This was not necessarily the cause of his rhythm problems, but needed to be corrected and could have the added benefit of helping the rhythm problems in some way. So, the surgeon had an opening last Monday and he had open heart surgery to repair the hole that was the source of the murmur. He is home now and recovering. We won’t know whether or not the rhythm problems have been helped for several months.

Feeling the strain finally catch up to me, I picked up a book that helped me through my first brain surgery back in 2003–Ruthless Trust, by Brennan Manning. Boy did I need this book right now! I share this quote from the book that really nourished my soul:

“Uncompromising trust in the love of God inspires us to thank God for the spiritual darkness that envelopes us, for the loss of income, for the nagging arthritis that is so painful, and to pray from the heart, ” Abba, into your hands I entrust my body, mind and spirit and this entire day–morning, afternoon, evening and night. Whatever you want of me, I want of me, falling into you and trusting you in the midst of my life. Into your heart I entrust my heart, feeble, distracted, insecure, uncertain. Abba, unto you I abandon myself in Jesus our Lord. Amen.””

I think I am going to print this out and frame it! I need to see and pray this prayer every day!

I Am A Poser!

I was looking back at old entries on by blog before I migrated it over to WordPress from Blogspot.com. I read over this entry from April of 2007 and something resonated with me. Things are really hard for me right now and I am trying to stay in a good place through it all. This hit home for me and I hope it will be helpful to you. I know its a bit lengthy, but I think it will be worth a little more of your time than what I normally post. This was written after I attended the Florida 5 Day Academy for Spiritual Formation and just prior to moving to Brandon. Enjoy!

April 18, 2007

One of my favorite writers is Brennan Manning. I was introduced to his work by my dear friend, mentor and former seminary professor, Dr. Steve Harper. I first read his book Abba’s Child several years ago and absolutely loved it. I have re-read it once or twice since then.

Recently a friend recommended Posers, Fakers and Wannabes, which is a youth version of Abba’s Child done in collaboration with youth worker, Jim Hancock. Boy was the timing perfect for me to encounter this material again!

On the first full day of the Florida 5 Day Academy, my mind was spinning and I was having trouble concentrating, let alone praying. So, I began to write in my journal. Our topics for reflection for that hour were: Dealing with our own brokenness–How can I better deal with my own brokenness? What follows are my reflections on that topic.

I am anxious, distracted, timid, needy, restless, fearful, lustful, greedy, materialistic, jealous, judgmental, unforgiving, selfish, self-centered, lazy, undisciplined, perfectionistic, self-critical, ungrateful, rebellious, conflicted, shy, unimportant, dispensable, fat, ugly, unattractive, inconsistent, impulsive, emotional, moody, ill-tempered, untrusting, cynical, nosy, critical, gossipy, annoying, gross, repulsive, indecisive, a poser, a user, self-deceived, boorish, a jerk, messy, sloppy, loud, obnoxious, irreverent, offensive, obsessive, compulsive, intrusive, boring, routine, a performer, dishonest, stupid, lacking judgment, inappropriate, unrefined, ill-mannered, unpolished, a bad father, husband, son, brother, pastor, leader, friend, not good enough at anything, corny, a doofus, egotistic, stubborn, bossy, wounded, mean and a lot of other things that aren’t listed here (just because I couldn’t think of them). This is what my internal tape recorder so often sounds like. I know that these are all lies, but I have lived with them for so long that it sometimes is very hard to believe otherwise about myself.

God knows all of this and so much more, yet he loves and accepts me. Why can’t I accept myself? God loves even these things about me, yet I am transformed by his love into his image. We look at our spouses, children, parents, siblings, friends, etc. and are able to overlook many of their faults & quirks because we love them. There are even times where these little quirks & faults become endearing to us and cause our love and affection for them to grow even deeper. We are able to love them in spite of their faults & quirks. How much more is this not true of God?! If we are able to love like this, why do we have such a hard time believing that God loves us like this and so much more? Why do we struggle so much with accepting this kind of love and this part of ourselves?

Steve Harper taught me that we are both fully loved by God and fully known by God. These two truths have to be held together. If we only accept one or the other, it causes trouble for us. For example, if we accept that we are fully known by God but reject that we are fully loved by God, then we will cower in fear and run away from God. If we accept that we are fully loved by God but reject that we are fully known by God, then we will play games with God and not take him seriously. But, in fact, they are both true!

Why do I have such a hard time accepting how thoroughly loved I am by God? I don’t seem to have a problem with accepting that I am fully known by God. My holiness upbringing and perfectionistic tendencies have seen to that. But, I have such a deep struggle with accepting that I am also thoroughly and completely loved by God. So often I feel like I am not good enough; like I have to do more for God to really like me. I find myself regressing back too often to the notion that God loves me, but doesn’t like me very much (if at all). This robs me of peace and joy & pulls me off balance and out of center. I desperately want to experience the thorough, complete and perfect love of God as my center. How can I do this when it is often so very difficult to be still and quiet? I know the right things to say, etc. But, it is hard to let them become my center because there is all this junk crowding it out. I feel like the center of my soul is cluttered like a teenager’s room.

Then this entry later in the week, after meditating on Manning’s book and allowing it to sink in for a couple of days.

I am a poser–a poser, a faker, a wannabe, a performer and a pretender. Much of my inner-self is chameleon-like–ever-changing based on the company and context.

I want to try so hard to do whatever it takes to get people to like me, but I even fail at that. I am not even a very good poser, etc.

Within the church I am serving, there has arisen a group of people who are not happy with me. I think that they don’t like me. I call them the PMS Committee-the Pastor Matt Sucks Committee.

It has been helpful for me to name them. It makes it easier for me to laugh at them and dismiss them. I would much rather do that than face their issues with me. The Poser likes to laugh at my problems because it keeps me in denial and him in control. The Poser desperately wants to be in control.

You see, the truth about it all is that the PMS Committee is right. I do suck and I have failed them, hurt them and ignored them. They weren’t ones that cheered me on, patted me on the back, complimented me on my sermons, or did things for me or my family. So, I let the Poser have the wheel and they suffered the consequences.

Recently Brennan Manning reminded me of something I learned from him several years ago. It shocked me to read it again, because the Poser made sure that I thoroughly forgot what I had learned earlier. He told me (through the pages of his book) that I have to stop fighting and struggling with the Poser, because he will always be with me. No matter how hard I try, or how strong I think I am, the Poser will always be here with me for the duration of my earthly sojourn.

What I must do, Brennan said, is embrace and accept the Poser’s presence and influence. Then, I must take the Poser to Jesus. I must take the Poser to Jesus because it is only Jesus who can deliver me. When I am lost in the embrace of Christ and living in the center of Love, the Poser is exposed and dethroned. It is only then that I can truly see the Poser’s influence and receive the grace, love and peace to resist what has been the most comfortable and familiar, yet frustrating and discouraging, influence in my life.

This is not something that I can get away with checking a box on my Spiritual Task List and be done with. It is a part of my journey that will be dealt with repeatedly and continually. The more practiced I get in accepting and bringing the Poser to Jesus, the easier it may become during certain seasons of my life. But, I must be alert and diligent, or else he will gladly reclaim his comfy chair on the throne of my soul.

I Arise Today

Here is the content of the prayer I used Sunday during prayer time. It is attributed to St. Patrick. Several have contacted me to get it and I hope it is helpful to you!

I arise today
Through the strength of heaven;
Light of the sun,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning,
Swiftness of the wind,
Depth of the sea,
Stability of the earth,
Firmness of the rock.
I arise today
Through God’s strength to pilot me;
God’s might to uphold me,
God’s wisdom to guide me,
God’s eye to look before me,
God’s ear to hear me,
God’s word to speak for me,
God’s hand to guard me,
God’s way to lie before me,
God’s shield to protect me,
God’s hosts to save me
Afar and anear,
Alone or in a multitude.
Christ shield me today
Against wounding
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in the eye that sees me,
Christ in the ear that hears me.
I arise today
Through the mighty strength
Of the Lord of creation.
St. Patrick

Something to tickle your mind

Sorry for not posting lately. I have been sick and am getting ready to head to Miami for a few days for a medical procedure for our son. I will get back to posting regularly again soon, but in the mean time, here is a site that has some interesting bits of trivia.
home.bitworks.co.nz/trivia/human.htm

In Honor of Saint Patrick

From Mark Batterson’s blog, evotional.com, I pass this along to you with gratitude to him for this informative post:

“In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, here is a little back story on Saint Patrick himself.

At the age of 16, Saint Patrick was captured by Irish raiders and taken to Ireland where he became a slave to the chieftain of Ulster. One night, after six years of slavery, Saint Patrick heard a voice, “Behold, thy ship is ready.” He traveled two hundred miles on foot to a place where he knew no one and had never been. He wrote in his autobiographical account, “After this I took flight, and left the man with whom I had been six years; and I came in the strength of the Lord, who directed my way for good; and I feared nothing till I arrived at the ship. And on that same day on which I arrived, the ship moved out of its place.”

Patrick made his way back to Britain, found his family, and could have lived out the rest of his life in relative comfort in the land of freedom. But in 432 AD, he had another vision. He saw a man coming to him from Ireland carrying innumerable letters. “And I read the beginning of the letter containing ‘The voice of the Irish.’ And while I was reading aloud the beginning of the letters, I myself thought indeed in my mind that I heard the voice of those who were near the wood of Foclut, which is close by the Western Sea. And they cried out thus as if with one voice, “We entreat thee, holy youth, that thou come, and henceforth walk among us.” And I was deeply moved in my heart, and could read no further; and so I woke.”

Saint Patrick went back to Ireland as a missionary. No outside religion had penetrated Ireland in a thousand years. Saint Patrick founded more than 300 churches and baptized more than 120,000 people. His ministry was so influential that he came to be known as the one who “found Ireland all heathen and left it all Christian.””

Company for the Journey

I am slowly making my way through Gary Haugen’s book, Just Courage: God’s Great Expedition for the Restless Christian. I picked the book up at the 2008 Leadership Summit after hearing him speak about his testimony and how God led him to found the International Justice Mission. He is an attorney who used to work for the Justice Department (I think) and he left that to do found IJM. His is a very inspirational story! In his book, he tells a story about his dad that I thought is a beautiful picture of how God is with us on our journey. Here is a part of the book that I hope really blesses you! The following quote comes after he has described the beauty of Mount Rainier:

“One of the ways my father expressed his love was to take us to such places and to simply walk–mile after mile–up into the beauty and grandeur of these sacred treasures. My older brothers would race up the trail to the next dramatic vista, leaving me behind–struggling. But Dad would always stay with me, making me feel like I was setting the pace and enjoying, I think, the sweetness of being with his little boy in the quiet of the massive mountain. We always went farther and higher than I would have chosen. But along the way, Dad was there–to steady me over streams, to feign the need for a rest, to help me over the boulder, to assure me that I was almost there.”

Have you ever thought of God wanting to be with you just to enjoy the sweetness of spending time with his little boy or girl? It is true…He does! It reminds me of the song by Larnell Harris from the late ’80s, early ’90s, “I Miss My Time With You.” I am copying the lyrics below and you can listen to it by following the link at the bottom of this post.

“there he was just waiting,
In our old familiar place
An empty spot beside him,
Where once i used to wait
To be filled with strength and wisdom
For the battles of the day
I would have passed him by again
If i didn’t hear him say

(chorus)

I miss my time with you
Those moments together
I need to be with you each day
And it hurt’s me when you say
You’re too busy
Busy trying to serve me
But how can you serve me
When your spirit’s empty
There’s a longing in my heart
Wanting more than just a part of you
It’s true
I miss my time with you

What do i have to offer
How can i truly care
My efforts have no meaning
When your presence isn,t there
But you will provide the power
If i take time to pray
I’ll stay right here beside him
And you will never have to say..

(chorus)”

Listen to the song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtDoQUQuQBQ

God adores you and wants to spend time with you. Our challenge is to pause from the busyness of our lives and make the time to spend with Him.

Sometimes I Just Have to Write Something

Sometimes things get so cluttered in my head that I have to write something down to get clarity. Here is something I wrote last month. It helped me then and today as I sit waiting for word on my son’s surgery. Not sure of a title.

Bouncing, bouncing, always bouncing
From one thing to another,
From this to that in constant motion,
Never seeming to be able to rest.

Noises, noises, everywhere noises
From here and from there,
From outside and from inside a
Constant cacophony of sound,
Never seeming to be able to be silent.

So I wait; for the bouncing to settle
And the noise to simmer
So that I can rest and be at peace
With myself and commune with my God.

What would you do if you were “Ted”?

Improv Everywhere has a video of a birthday party they threw for a random patron at a bar. They went to the bar and picked out someone there who would become “Ted” for the night. Once that person was identified by the first person of their group, the rest of them entered and posed as Ted’s friends who came out for his birthday party. The group was complete with a former girlfriend and an older relative…an uncle, I think. “Ted” and his friend weren’t sure at first how to react, but as time went by and more people showed up believing that he was Ted, the guy went with it. His friend thought the whole thing was hilarious. If you were in that guy’s place, how would you react? Would you roll with it? Would you feel it important to make sure they knew that you were not Ted and they had made a mistake? How would you react as more and more people came up to you believing that you were someone else? Would that freak you out? I love to watch things like this because they make me both laugh and think about how I might react if I were in “Ted’s” shoes. On a my better days, I think I would totally roll with it, but then again I have never been in a situation like this so it is easy to assume I would do that. What about you? Watch the whole video here…it’s about 5 minutes long and quite entertaining.